i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
