he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
