Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
