just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize