I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
