who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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