A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize