I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
