I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
