my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
