You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
