Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
