I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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