I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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