Betty ford says i'm here all night
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
