you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
