Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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