my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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