i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
