I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
