i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
