They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize