So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
