I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My ass is underappreciated
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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