saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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