seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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