I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I supernannyed him into submission
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
