went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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