If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
