My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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