Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
