Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
