I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
