I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
