there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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