so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
