I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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