I wish my penis had an off switch
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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