I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
