i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
