The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
