Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Text me some of your sweat
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
