I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize