trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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