fuck your aforementioned shoe
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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