Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
