1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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