I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
