I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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