Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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