watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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