People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
