Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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