ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
