I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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