i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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