Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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