bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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