I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
