It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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