I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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