i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he thought i was a dude.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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