I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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