So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
