R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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