My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
